Curing the Milk's Disease
by NilaSagol
Summary: It is decided that Edward's hatred of milk is now called "Milk's Disease". Edward is sent to a far away land to investigate and to be cured of his "Milk's Disease" Edward tries to avoid milk but it seems that milk is attacking Edward from every side. Edward has always hated milk but milk strikes with a vengence. Will Edward grow to like milk or will he hate it even more?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1- "Milk's Disease"**

Edward was in complete rage. The cook got it wrong again. A milk bottle was on the plate again. This time the chef decided to put four kinds of milk on for Edward. Chocolate, strawberry, regular, and vanilla. Edward still was unsatisfied with the choices.

"How many times have we told the chef to not..." Edward pointed at all four milks. "Put that terrible thing on my plate?!"

Al encouraged Edward to drink the milk. "Come on brother, it'll give you strong bones and it's good from what I remember."

"It's a disgrace!" Edward yelled. "I want them removed from my sight, right now!"

"Don't you want strong bones, brother?" Al asked.

"I can get the calcium elswhere, Al! It's not a hard element to find in other foods!" Edward yelled. "Get me away from the forsaken drink!"

The two brothers continued to argue loudly. Roy was in his office reviewing military plans when he heard Edward's endless shouting about the milk.

"What's Fullmetal going on about this time?" Roy asked.

"Oh, the chef put milk on his dinner plate again, sir." Riza replied. "Oddly, there was four diffrent kinds on his plate."

"Oh, that was me." Roy chuckled to himself. "I told the chef to do it."

"Oh sir, he doesn't like milk. He hates it." Riza reminded him. "Why would you do that."

"Well..." Roy laughed. "I like to play around with Fullmetal sometimes. A doctor brought it to my attention that Edward could have "Milk's Disease".

"Milk's Disease"?" An officer asked. "What's that?"

"Oh, the doctor said it when someone hates milk or they can't have it." Roy explained. "The doctor said Edward could be cured of it."

"How come I haven't heard it?" a medical officer replied. "I've never heard of that."

In the room Edward was still throwing a fit. Al tried to still encourage his brother to have a different flavor but his brother refused again.

"I want those four bastards removed!" Edward yelled. "Right now!"

Al sighed and decided to carry all four milks out off the tray. The milks all had sad faces. The chocolate milk jumped out of Al's arms and decided to set things straight with Edward who couldn't believe it. Milk was standing up to him.

"Al...take this one away..." Edward pointed as he shook. "Al, it's speaking to me..."

The chocolate milk jumped into Edward's lap. "Hey, shorty! That's right, I'm talking to you! Why do you hate us so much?"

"SHORTY?!" Edward began steaming and prepared for his theatrical anger. "No one calls me short! How dare you call me that! Damn bastard called me shorty, Al! That damn milk!"

As Edward continued his theatrical anger. Chocolate milk looked at Al. "Boy, you have a feisty little brother. Is he always like that?"

"Oh um..." Al began waving his hands. "Edward is my older brother. I'm the younger one."

Chocolate milk looked at Al oddly. "Is that how it goes? I could've sworn you were."

Edward fell out of his seat. "I would like meet someone who isn't blinded by height."

Al scooped up the chocolate milk. "I better take you all back to the kitchen before you spoil."

Al began walking past Roy's office as Al heard all about the conversation about "Milk's Disease". Roy was going through papers as he spoke. The four types of milk decided to listen in on it too.

"Well, I guess we could send Fullmetal to this place." Roy laughed. "It's in the northern region. It's very far, a land called Dairilandia."

"Wait." Riza caught on to Roy's plans. "You want to send Ed there? Why? It's town of people crazy about dairy. Especially milk."

"Well, the doctor said Edward can be "cured" there." Roy laughed. "Plus, I need to give Fullmetal something to do. He'll be out of our hair for the next three weeks."

Al covered his mouth. "Brother isn't going to like this at all."

"He deserves it for cursing us out!" Strawberry milk spoke up. "I've never been insulted like that in my dairy lifetime!"

"I say we force feed Edward milk until he throws up!" Vanilla milk replied.

Al sighed. Edward wasn't going to like this at all. If Edward found out he was going to a place where people were obsessed with milk. Edward would drop over dead.

Also he would drop over dead more knowing the milk brigade was planning an assault on him too. Al saw the four dairy drinks actually planning plans and giving everyone a position to attack Edward. There was even a part of the plan where "Master Jug" would be involved too!

OOO

"WHAT?!" Edward bellowed. "You're sending me where?!"

"It's an investigation." Roy smirked a little. "We've never been out North that far. It's a town we've never discovered actually."

"So, you want the milk hater to go out and do it?" Edward growled. "I knew this was a set up!"

Roy laughed. "Maybe it'll cure your "Milk's Disease" too."

"Milk's Disease?" Edward looked questioningly at Roy. "What in the hell is that?"

"A doctor came by and said that it's someone who can't have milk or hates milk in general." Roy began reading papers. "I thought you would be the perfect candidate to be cured."

"I'm not going to Dairilandia!" Edward yellled. "I'll be surrounded by idiots who love milk and worship some sort of milk god!"

"Oh, it's too late for that." Roy laughed. "The decision was made this afternoon."

"I'm not going unless Al comes with me." Edward spat.

Al came in right away. "Um sir...I think Ed would be fine going on his own."

"What?!" Edward faced Al. "Al, think of the torture I'll be going through. I need Al for moral support."

"I think I should sit this one out, brother." Al replied. "I have some studying I have to catch up on."

"Oh great." Edward sighed. "I'm going to scarred for life. It already happened today, four milk bottles and a milk jug attacked me..."

Roy was creeped out. "Ok. That made no sense. Milk can't attack, that would be a new enemy I haven't fought yet."

"Oh, they did. At one thirty this afternoon." Edward replied. "It was an assault. They called war and everything. Chocolate milk was the head general."

Roy looked at Riza and whispered to her. "He really needs to be cured, look at how delusional he is. It's from all the hatred."

Riza looked at Edward. "I guess, you're right, sir. It would do him so good."

"I am not delusional. This really happened!" Edward yelled. "I'm not crazy! The milk attacked me!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." Roy shook his head. "A symptom of "Milk's Disease", thank goodness you're being sent out tomorrow."

Edward continued to yell and refuse to go on the investigation as Al had to carry him out of Roy's office. Roy began laughing at his desk as he told all the officers if they saw how crazy Edward looked.

So, it was decided. Edward was being sent to do the investigation against his will. The three weeks of torture began tomorrow at precisely noon when his train departed from Central.

"Poor brother." Al replied. "Maybe it'll finally get him to like milk."

"Don't get your hopes up, Al..." Edward said coldy. "This could make me hate with a burning passion even more."

Al quickly went back to reading as Edward prepared for another assault from the milk bottles and Master Jug.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2- "Dairilandia"**

It was around noon when Edward boarded the train. He chose at window seat as someone decided to sit next to him. It was an older boy, he was about eighteen years old, he had long dirty blonde hair in an English braid just like Edward's, and had green eyes.

"Wouldn't you be the one they call Fullmetal Alchemist?" the older boy asked.

Edward was excited someone recognized him. "Why, yes. I'm Edward Elric."

"Wow. I can't believe I've met him person! Where are you headed?" the older boy asked.

Edward's face became sad. "Dairilandia."

"That's where I'm heading too! The name is Alair." Alair spoke. "It's so nice to finally meet you. Everyone will be so happy at home."

"So...Everyone over there knows me?" Edward questioned. "It's the first we're hearing about this place."

"We're pretty isolated. " Alair replied. "We get very few vistors unless it's lumberjacks and mountaineers."

"Oh. Well, you all better make room for me too." Edward laughed heartly. "So, Dairilandia is surrounded by mountains?"

"Some of it is and then we have mountains to the North of us." Alair explained. "It's a nice place, you'll like it."

"Oh, I love Dairilandia." A rich older lady spoke. "I go every year to their cheese festival. It's a beautiful place."

Edward still wasn't sure of the new place he was going to. It sounded nice but he still was upset about all the milk he would be forced to be in contact with. He knew it would be worse if they found out about his so called "Milk Disease.".

Edward watched the scenery as it changed. Alair began looking at his farming equipment he bought in Central.

"I had to buy new farming equipment in Central." Alair replied.

"So, is in everyone your family a farmer." Edward asked.

"Yes. My family owns the largest farm in Dairilandia. We're all Dairy Farmers." Alair explained. "Except for me, I'm a regular farmer. My family wasn't too happy with that choice."

Edward's face became still. "So...most of you deal with milk?"

"Why yes." Alair replied. "We're crazy about milk. We love our cows!"

"Oh great..." Edward said quietly to himself. "I'm really in for it."

"I take it that you don't like milk." Alair replied. "It's alright, Edward. A hero like yourself doesn't have to be perfect."

"Yeah, I just don't like it..." Edward admitted. "Sorry if that ruins anything."

"Nonsense. We've had people like that come to our land and leave loving milk. Even the worst cases with "Milk's Disease"." Alair laughed.

"Oh great..." Edward sighed again. "What have I gotten myself into."

"You're so funny, Edward." Alair laughed.

Edward began to really not like going to this new land now. Edward growled to himself because he knew Roy was behind it from the start. Roy did it to mess with him. Roy enjoyed giving Edward a good tug now and then. Edward thought he went way too far this time.

Edward looked at Alair who was reading a book on growing vegetables. "So, how much longer until we get there?"

"It takes almost half a day. We should be there by sundown." Alair explained.

"I don't mind. I like riding the trian." Edward smiled. "It's nice."

"Me too. It's fun to watch the scenery go by." Alair replied.

"So, does my arrival include a big feast?" Edward arrogantly replied.

"Sure! As soon as you get in, we'll start cooking right away!" Alair replied. "We're so excited to serve you!"

"This I like." Edward laid back. "So what's on the menu?"

"Oh, lots of things! Even our creamy golden buttermilk white cake." Alair replied. "It's a MacTavish secret family recipe. Been in our family for years."

Edward couldn't wait. "I can't wait for it."

OOO

Of course when Edward arrived, someone always needed help. This time it was very serious. A mother cow and her calf were trapped in a cave. A heavy branch blocked the way. It was a big issue in town. Everyone couldn't stopped worrying about it.

One woman came running to Edward. "My cow and her baby are trapped! The branch landed on my cow's leg!"

"Edward, you have to help!" Alair replied.

"Sure." Edward ran over to the cave and could hear the cries of the cow and calf. "Yeah, this branch is too big to move."

Edward stood back a little bit of ways. He clapped his hands together and pushed against the branch. A blue light came through as Edward turned the branch into a shed. Everyone cheered.

Edward went to attend to the cow. "It looks like her leg may be broken."

"The animal doctor will make her better again." the woman replied. "I have you to thank for saving my cow and calf."

Edward laughed. "Just doing my job."

"So, would you like some fresh milk from cow?!" the woman replied. "It's really good! Our hero deserves some milk!"

"Oh, that's ok..." Edward waved his hands. "I'm good for now."

"Edward suffers from "Milk's Disease!"" Alair replied as dark music played. Everyone gasped. "This one hates milk!"

One person looked at Edward. "We'll fix that, we'll have you loving milk in no time, honey. We've cracked the most difficult cases, this shouldn't be a problem."

_'You all don't what you're in for.'_ Edward laughed to himself. '_I plan to make this really difficult for you all.'_

Edward was sat down as a four different crates of milk appeared infront of him. Edward was blindfolded as the different kinds of milk were laid out. Edward knew what was coming and refused.

"Get those bastards away!" Edward howled as the choclate milk went down first. "This is poison! This is illegal!"

"Bastard?" one person looked at Alair. "We should rename the chocolate milk to "Bastard Milk " in honor of Edward!"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Everyone replied.

"Alright. It's official. Choclate milk will be known as Bastard Milk!" Everyone cheered as Edward dropped his head. He couldn't believe it.

"Why is this being done?!" Edward growled. "This is torture. I hate milk! I don't want anything coming from a cow!"

"Well, we'd hate to see people miss out on how good milk can be." Alair replied. "It's not bad, Edward."

"Oh hell yes it is!" Edward replied. "It's the worse drink ever!"

Edward was forced to try strawberry, regular, fat free, 2%, and whole milk. Edward couldn't believe he had ingested so many different kinds. The blindfold was removed as Edward flipped out over having milk.

"Damn it!" Edward cursed. "Damn it, milk!"

This sweetened the governor so much, decided to have the whole milk changed to "Damnit" milk. Edward fell over and couldn't believe the loyalty of Dairilandia people. Edward got up from the table as everyone looked at him.

"Let's make a big feast for Edward! He overcame his hatred of milk!" Everyone applauded.

"I-I did not..." Edward said quietly as his eye twitched. "I still hate it..."

The town came to life as everyone began baking and cooking for Edward. They put Edward at the head of the table as everyone doted on him. Edward saw one girl in particular who doted on him. Her name was Calli. Calli had long red hair that was braided into a fishtail braid, she had icy blue eyes, she was strong and beautiful.

"Hello. Mr. Elric." she looked at Edward as her friends crowded around her.

"Hello to you, ladies." Edward came over to Calli and kissed her hand.

Calli's face flushed red. "He's so attractive!"

Edward had a slight blush. "Thank you. I get that all the time."

"Mr. Elric. Can we braid your hair?" Calli asked.

"Sure." Edward took his hair out of his braid and allowed the girls to braid his hair.

As they were braiding one girl stumbled upon Edward's mechanical arm. They all stopped to gaze at it. Edward thought they would get afraid but they began examining it. They really got a kick of Edward's mechanical parts.

"It's as real as we've been told." Calli replied. "He really is the Fullmetal Alchemist!"

Edward laughed and began showing off. He couldn't help but show off his trademark parts. A glass of milk was set by Edward again.

"What?" his eyes locked onto the milk. "This bastard again, damn it!"

"Oh, he didn't want the Bastard milk. My mistake." the governor replied. "Replace it with the Damnit milk."

Edward dropped over again. "I didn't mean the type of milk..."

Edward sat at the head of the table as the food began coming in one by one. There were so many choices, Edward didn't know where he would start. There was even a dessert table and side dishes. It was a very big feast for Edward, probably the largest he's ever seen on his adventures.

Edward was confused because everyone was just staring at him. "Um, is everyone going to eat with me?"

"Sure. We just want you to go first." the governor replied. "It's always the guest goes first."

Edward began eating as everyone else followed. Edward began eating so fast as he finished one plate. "More please!"

"Oh, Edward. Help yourself." the governor replied. "We all serve ourselves here. except for the holidays."

Edward looked at all the people. "Thank you for all this. I really do mean it. You all went to a lot of trouble."

"He's so kind!" the governor replied as he wept. "I can't get enough of Edward!"

Calli bumped Edward. "Sorry about the governor. He gets very emotional. All his children have grown up and moved out of Dairilandia, he considers you a son too."

"Aw, thanks." Edward looked at the governor. "You're all really too kind."

"We try our best, Edward. Dairilandia is a town of peace and openess. Anyone of any race, social status, and creed is allowed to pass through Dairilandia. We are proud!" the governor became emotional again.

One person began explaining the history of Dairilandia to Edward. Edward learned that a war that was fought ages ago that caused so much destruction, changed how the people of Dairilandia viewed war. They were a peace loving town. They always stressed kindness and helping one another out especially with the farms and families.

"So, you're all for peace?" Edward asked.

"Yes." Calli replied. "We try really hard to make everyone welcome."

"Well, it's getting late. We best let Edward get to sleep. He'll have a surprise breakfast tomorrow and he'll go through another milk test again." the governor replied.

"Oh ok. Where will I stay?" Edward asked.

Everyone's hands shot up in there. "Pick us Edward! No, pick us Edward!"

"Oh well, I guess I'm welcome at everyone's house!" Edward laughed. "I'll go anywhere then."

The governor thought really hard. "Well, Edward. You can pick where you would like to stay every night."

"Ok. I'll stay with you, governor." Edward replied.

"Great! I'm so glad you picked me first! I get so lonely in that big house!" the governor replied. "I can't stand how big it is!"

Two people helped bring Edward's things as he was lead to the governor's house. Edward went inside as he began settling down for the night.

Edward looked around. "Wow, this guy has a lot of money."

Edward looked on the nightstand to see two glasses of milk. Edward threw a fit. "Where did these bastards come from?! I can't escape the milk!"

"Please drink us!" the glasses of milk begged. "Please!"

Edward growled and pointed at the milk. "That's enough! I've had my fair share of forced drinking today and I refuse to drink another jug, glass, or straight from the cow milk!"

"Coward! Coward! Coward!" the glasses of milk cackled. "Edward Elric is a coward! We wish you many years of broken bones!"

Edward laid on his pillow. This was going to be a good tough three weeks.


End file.
